


i am drowning. there is no sign of land. you are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

by thymia



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Belligerent Sexual Tension, Canon Dialogue, Catholic Guilt, Dialogue Heavy, Dirty Jokes, Drowning, Friends to Enemies to Friends, Hurt No Comfort, Inappropriate Humor, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Marijuana, Peril, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Humor, Shotgunning, Skinny Dipping, Smoking, Water, non-graphic nudity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29220768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thymia/pseuds/thymia
Summary: a reimagining of 'Minecraft but the water level rises every five minutes.'major character death because Schlatt gets blown up twice, and it's implied they drown together at the end.[ title from no children by the mountain goats ]
Relationships: Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot, Jschlatt/Wilbur Soot
Comments: 12
Kudos: 85





	1. and nobody's going to hold your hand on the day you die (forty days - streetlight manifesto)

**Author's Note:**

> 'My love, you're the one i want to watch the ship go down with.' - I Love You, Honeybear by Father John Misty  
> a lot of the dialogue is a direct transcription from jschlatt's vod, and it made me realize that these fuckers can hardly get a single sentence out without interrupting themselves 50 times  
> im going back on what i said in my first mcyt fic lmao, schlatt pines for wilbur but nothing comes from it.  
> the specifics of this world are little fucky, dont look too closely at anything.  
> (fun fact! im not shipping real people. just the characters, the over-exaggerated selves they put on for videos. i am well aware that these men are straight and uncomfortable with fanfics (tho schlatt's been joking about fanfiction since 2019 at the least) when has that ever stopped anyone before? im not being too much of a creep, im not doing anything illegal. )  
> might make a series thats just schlattbur, ive got ideas for the lava challenge, maybe 5x5 challenge, and glattbur stuff who knows

To Schlatt, Wilbur was different. Sure, he looked like every other basic, fluffy haired white boy. But he was different, he had this…Crazy glint in his eyes that just drew Schlatt in. He couldn’t describe it, not that he’d want to anyway. Describing the look in your best friend’s eyes was just this side of homoerotic, and Jonathan Schlatt is not homosexual. He’s a good-hearted, red-blooded man. Wilbur Soot though, fucker tested him. He was a freak no doubt, perverted little British weirdo, but he was the only one Schlatt had a weirdly homoerotic rapport with.

And that really fucking sucked in this specific world. Hot and humid, all because of Wilbur’s supposed ‘global warming’. No fucking way, he just picked some stupid world with some stupid climate to do this challenge in. Whatever the reason was, it was utterly insufferable.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m overheating here,” He snarled to Wilbur who was trying to joke around while they were mining. Schlatt let out an exhausted bleat as he collapsed against the cool stone wall. “Stop fucking looking at me like that, bro! Just…Fuck! Gimme a moment!”

“Oh. No, you- that’s- Yeah, dude, take your time. It’s hot out! Global warming, am I right!” Wilbur laughed, just continuing to mine out stone and coal.

“I’m not in the mood for your jokes right now, Soot!” Schlatt snorted angrily, wiping a hand across his brow.

Will frowned, turning to look at Schlatt, still pressed to the wall. “You wanna go take a dip in the water? I can raise it a little so there’s enough for us to swim around in?” He offered quietly, concern clear in his voice. He kind of forgot how woolly and thick his friend was, of course the heat would affect him more than it would tall and lanky Wilbur Soot.

“Ugh! Fine, I’ll swim in your fucking water..” Schlatt groaned, pushing himself to stand, dropping his pick on the ground to follow Wilbur down to the shoreline.

It doesn’t help that he’s wearing that heavy flannel, Will thought to himself, but bit his tongue on voicing the thought since he knew Schlatt would just get offended. Watching Schlatt unbutton and shed the shirt, Will realized just how woolly Schlatt actually was. Sure, he’d seen Schlatt’s forearms from time to time when the man pushed his sleeves up, but he’d never seen him shirtless, never saw the thatch of dark, curly hair on Schlatt’s chest, nor the way it trailed into his jeans. Wilbur looked away, and shook his head, trying to burn the image from his mind as he started undressing as well. He took a moment to force the waters to rise a little more, bringing it up just past the sand.

“How far are we going?” Schlatt asked, hands on his belt.

“Huh?!”

“Oh my God..! I’m just asking are we skinny dipping or what, Wilbur? If we are, you- I don’t-I don’t want you looking at me for a second and you don’t get near me in the water. In fact, that’s the rules no matter what.” Schlatt insisted, looking down to fiddle with his belt and pull it off.

“We can skinny dip if you want to, Schlatt. Won’t have to deal with wet clothes later.” Will nodded, bending down to pull his sneakers off before going for his pants.

Will kicked everything into a pile on the shore before leaping into the water, he ducked under to get a look at everything that had been drowned under the water so far. Popping back up, he was surprised by a loud, crashing splash, Schlatt quickly resurfacing, gasping for air as he did so.

Schlatt didn’t swim often, and he never did for leisure and enjoyment. Water made him anxious, he had a fear of deep dark water. But he couldn’t deny that this was nice, the cool water was a saving grace on his flushed skin. “Don’t fuckin’ look at me! I know you want to, pervert!” Schlatt scolded with a laugh, shifting to float on his front.

“I’m not! You’re the pervert for assuming I would! Don’t drown yourself floating like that.” Will sighed, running a hand through his damp hair.

“What the fuck did I say about looking at me, Wilbur! Eyes off!” Schlatt lifted his head just enough to shout and breathe before sticking his face in the water again.

Wilbur just grumbled to himself and swam off, to relax away from the grouchy ram.

They spent the next couple of hours, cooling off and pruning up in the steadily growing ocean. Schlatt startled at one point as Wilbur raised the water without warning. He very nearly got swept up in the giant wave that rippled through as the water gurgled and spread. They got out soon after, since Wilbur had forgotten about their clothes and they had to gather everything before the water reached that part of the shore.

Even after he dressed, Schlatt kept shaking water off, shaking his head as he ran his hands through his curls, the ass of his pants was damp from his tail. And now that he was cooled off and a little less snarky, Wilbur set him to the task of building a house for them. In turn, Schlatt sent Will off to go do anything that wasn’t watching Schlatt build, he had performance anxiety that Wilbur just laughed at as he left to go gather materials.

Schlatt got upset and frustrated regardless, the house didn’t look nearly as good as he had hoped, and was too small for his liking, and when Wilbur came back he started complaining about how low the ceilings were, and how there weren’t any windows. Sending Schlatt to go gather sand for glass, only for Schlatt to come back to find Wilbur adding an extension. Yeah, the house was small, but goddammit Wilbur didn’t have to be so ungrateful.

They put up the windows so the water wouldn’t get in when it’d inevitably rise higher than the small house. They also made a short expedition across the water to where the border cut off a snow-covered mountain where Wilbur almost drowned Schlatt when he raised the water suddenly. But they came back with more than enough snowballs to pack into a brick and use as a makeshift air conditioner. Which Schlatt spent the night sleeping next to, so close to it that Will was half afraid he’d get hypothermia or something. Because boy did that snow work to cool the house down, the heat from outside completely forgotten.

The next morning though, Schlatt wakes up to Wilbur slipping out of the house without explanation. Well, not an explanation he liked.

“We’re not safe down here, Schlatt! The water’s going to rise and cover the house in no time!” Which was a stupid fucking excuse in Schlatt’s expert opinion. He put up a wall surrounding the house, they put in glass windows, so what if the water rose above the house, it couldn’t get in!

Wilbur was outside not even for a full hour before he was coming back to Schlatt and begging him to let him onto his side of the house because now Will was scared. Wilbur Soot, out of the two of them was the scared one now. Wilbur Soot, the man who controlled the fucking water was now afraid of it. Schlatt was the one with a deep-rooted fear of water, he should be the one whimpering and begging Wilbur to let him over. But he wasn’t because Jonathan Schlatt wasn’t gay.

“Schlatt, please! It’s going t-I’m scared, Schlatt. Please, please let me over.” Will begged, madly twisting the doorknob, peeking in the small window that was carved in the wood.

“No! Fuck you! Stay on your own side!” Schlatt shouted back, pressing himself into his corner.

“Oh! Fuck, oh fuck,” Wilbur mumbled hastily, thunder cracking in the distance as a wave roared and crashed on top of their house. “I’m- Holy shit, dude! I’m coming over, fuck you!”

Schlatt pressed a hand over his mouth, muffling a pathetic, fearful bleat. “This was a stupid fucking idea, Wilbur! I don’t know why I ever agreed to this!” He managed to bark out eventually, glaring at Wilbur who just stared out the window.

“Schlatt, we need to move, we need to move house,” Wilbur said suddenly, turning back to Schlatt, his eyes full of panic. Fucker kept flip-flopping, he wants to go, he doesn’t want to go, now he wants to go again. “This place is cursed… We need to – We need to get to the surface, and move house.”

Schlatt stared out the window blankly, murmuring a quiet ‘What the hell…” as Wilbur kept rambling, hurrying back to his side, and pulling out what little he had shoved into the double chest he made earlier. He made it in hopes Schlatt would drop the façade and they could share the house properly, so they could share the chest.

“We can’t just keep living down here, dude. We need- We need iron, I’m hungry! I’m- I- We have no food!” He stumbled to Schlatt’s side again, frowning at the single porkchop he had.

“I-I have this… I have this…” Schlatt sighed at his apple. He didn’t want to eat it, apples meant so much to him. In the beginning, Alex and Steve were blessed with enchanted golden apples by Notch, it felt just as meaningful that they were suffering through a wicked deluge and Schlatt had only an apple.

“Yeah but come on! We need to get- There might be animals on the surface, dude,” Will trailed off, glancing at the glass ceiling above him. He interrupted Schlatt’s nervous mumbling, as the sound dawned on him. “…Can you not hear that?”

“No! Hear what?” Schlatt huffed, tip-toeing carefully to Wilbur’s side, his eyes following where Wilbur was looking. The glass skylight was cracking, slowly but surely. A drip fell right onto to top of Will’s head.

“The glass, Schlatt! Fuck! It’s- That wave cracked it! It’s not gonna hold up under the water! We have to go now, Schlatt!”

“Nope! I’ll be right here, see ya!” Schlatt said, words full of faux cheer as Wilbur shuffled out and Schlatt quickly pulled the door shut even as Wilbur turned back around.

Will just sighed and took a deep breath as he started swimming for the surface. Schlatt sighed as well, turning back to the rest of the house, muttering a broken little ‘Oh my God…’ as he realized with horror that the torch Wilbur held was the only light source and now he was stuck at the bottom of a growing ocean, in the cold, and the dark.

“There’s just.. Water creepers… Oh boy, it’s raining…” Will mused once he surfaced, the earpiece in Schlatt’s right ear let him hear everything Will said, no matter the distance.

“It just got really fuckin’ dark,” Schlatt couldn’t help the nervous laughter as he peered out the door again as if Will would be there. “Wilbur.. Come back..!”

“Schlatt.. It’s miserable up here, man..”

“You’re the light of my life, come back..! I’m terrified!”

“Schlatt, come up here, my dude,” Their words overlapped, and they interrupted each other with pleads for the other to come back. “You-You gotta face the world. You gotta face the world up here, Schlatt.”

Schlatt shook his head, though no one could see it, as he stumbled back, still staring out the little window in the front door. “..Fuck! Shi..- I can’t do it! I can’t do it…” He heaved, fearful sobs quickly wracking him and shaking his words.

“It’s miserable, but I see a bastion of hope..!” Will insisted as he pushed himself to sit on the edge, staring wistfully up at a floating island across the sea from him.

“I gotta go,” Schlatt sniffed, wiping his face and swallowing down a sob, carefully opening the door. “I go- Fuck, fuck…” He whined, and that was the only thought in his head.

Fuck this challenge, fuck Wilbur for coming up with it and convincing Schlatt to partake, fuck Wilbur for leaving him, and fuck Wilbur for convincing him to go up. Wilbur, stupid, special ever so persuasive Wilbur started describing the ‘Bastion of Hope’ as he dubbed it. It was pissing rain, but the sun was coming out and he could see the shine of rain on leaves, and it was beautiful. And it convinced Schlatt to come up.

“Where are you? Where are you? It’s so dark, it’s so dark,” He bleated in terror as he stared out into the water surrounding the house. “Fuck… This is how it happens..” He sighed, ignoring Wilbur trying to give him directions.

“Schlatt? Where are you?” Wilbur asked, watching the creepers he had passed by, waiting for Schlatt to surface by them.

“I gotta go…” Schlatt concluded, hands shaking as he stumbled out the front door, palms pressed against the doorframe as he tried to hype himself up.

They started talking at the same time again, Schlatt muttering that he had to go, and Wilbur trying to encourage him, repeating his name and telling him he just had to swim up.

As Wilbur as making his way up to the Bastion, he heard a deep breath and a wretched sort of gurgling through his own earpiece, shooting a nervous look to the water. “Schlatt? Schlatt, are you okay? Where are you?!”

“..Yes, I’m fine! I’m okay! Oh my God!!” Schlatt cackled maniacally, as he stumbled and pushed himself to sit under a tree not even ten blocks from the house. He didn’t make it far, couldn’t make it far, it was terrifying swimming through the almost black water, fearful of buoyant creepers blowing up on him.

“What? Where are you? I thought you were going to come up?” Wilbur was exhausted by Schlatt at this point and just continued to make his way up to his island.

“No! Oh, no! I’m fine here, I’m just chillin’ man! You know what, I’m gonna start a farm, yeah…” Schlatt trailed off, finding a torch in his inventory, and made a workbench so he could craft a hoe and till out a small space for the two wheat seeds he had.

Wilbur saw the announcement that Schlatt had planted the seeds pop up in the corner of his eye and couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re making progress that has never been seen before in these lands!”

“Ah, no. I’m improvising, I’m adapting!” Schlatt said proudly, staring down at the tilled soil.

“Overcoming!” Wilbur said, and that kickstarted the next joking argument about being gay.

“I’m not coming, no,” Schlatt deadpanned, ignoring Wilbur’s giggles in his ear. “I’m not into that.”

“Oh…We ge- I’m go- I’m- I’m going to the new- I’m calling this place the Bastion. It’s the only place there is hope,” Will declared, unable to see Schlatt’s eyes roll at his struggle to speak. “It’s…Literally the last Bastion of Hope before the water swallows everything into a fine blue mist.”

“No, I’m not gonna be swallowed. Nope!” Schlatt huffed, wringing water from his flannel shirt.

“I think you will be swallowed.” Will said with a laugh, bridging over to the Bastion, staring down his inventory as he tried to figure out what he could spare.

“Listen, Wilbur, you might..Be swallowed but I’m not getting… Swallowed any- I’m not swallowing anything. I’m just sittin’ here with my seeds.. Mmm…Uhm..!” He trailed off into a peal of laughter.

“You’re not swallowing anything. Not swallowin’ the seeds are you?” Will said, giggling just at the sound of Schlatt’s own laughter.

“Nope! I’m her-I’m not doin’ nothin’ here! No, nothin’ goin’ on here!”

“No seed swallowin’ for ol’ J. Schlatt!” They could hardly get a sentence out through their laughter.

“Wilbur stop-Stop blushing.” Schlatt said suddenly, not a trace of humor in his voice.

“I’m-I’m not blushing. Although, I don’t have air conditioning, it is very hot up here. I might start blushing.” Will insisted, grinning at the sound of Schlatt’s chuckling.

Schlatt quickly smashed together another block of snow, setting it down nearby, ignoring Wilbur’s rambling about how he was safe now, as he basked in the cool air. Even as Wilbur suggested Schlatt join him. Like Hell he would, he had AC down here, it was cool down here, it was hot up there, it had to be. He started breaking off branches from the tree he sat under, gathering up sticks and leaves, and he was in the middle of insisting he was fine, that he could stay there forever and ever when he broke off the wrong branch and water immediately started streaming in, washing away his torch and leaving him in the dark again as he was washed into the rest of the water.

“Oh no!! Oh God!!!” He cried, struggling to find his bearings. He had to hold his breath and try not to scream as he tried swimming up. Only to struggle even more as Wilbur raised the water and as soon as he surfaced he was swept back under by a giant wave. Only able to shriek and gasp for air before he was brought under again.

But Schlatt was luckily able to surface again, gasping for air and heaving sobs as he bobbed in the ocean, a pair of creepers bobbing along behind him. “I’m fine! I’m fine, I’m fine! Where are you?! I’m fine, where are you?” He demanded as his head spun, looking all around for Wilbur.

“Schlatt, behind you! Behind you, Schlatt,” Will pleaded, kneeling at the edge of his island, catching Schlatt’s eyes, and started waving for him. “I’m up here! Get to the Bastion, dude!”

“Oh my God! You fucked me! You fucked me,” Schlatt snarled, swimming to a treetop he could climb on. Wilbur started stuttering and insisting that it wasn’t his fault, though he was the only one who could raise the sea and he was the one who made the decision to raise the water while Schlatt was swimming, nearly drowning him. “No! No, no one fucked me! No- Nobody fucked me! Metaphorically you did, you tried to drown me!! Jesus Christ!” He sighed, sitting on the waterlogged tree, barely able to relax as it swayed under him.

“You gonna come?” Wilbur asked with a grin, chopping away the wood he bridged over with.

“Ah… _No_! What the fuck is with you?!”

“Whatcha mean? I’m just asking if you’re coming?”

“I’m not gonna come!”

“Are you coming?”

“How- Can we-Can we go five seconds without it be-getting unwarrantedly sexual?!” Schlatt raged, as if he didn't start it by saying that Wilbur fucked him.

“Dude, I’m not going to-“ Will attempted only to get cut off again. Their shouting becoming indecipherable.

Until Will got another chance to speak when Schlatt quieted for half a second. “I’m gonna make you come then! I’m gonna make you come!”

“Don’t you dare make me come!” Schlatt snarled, though it didn’t have a good effect. He stood below Wilbur, looking small. He was soaking wet, his ears limp by his head, and he only held a small dandelion in his hands, while Wilbur grinned from above, wielding a large stone axe.

“…Just get to the Bastion, dude,” Was all Wilbur said before turning away. “Just get up here.”

“How am I gonna get up there?”

“Just build a _fucking_ tower.”

“I have… Sixteen pieces of dirt!” Schlatt huffed glaring at the wood he had in his inventory. He wasn’t going to use that to tower up to Wilbur’s ‘Bastion’.

“Then fucking- Okay, come over here then, I’ll toss you some stuff.” Will crept back to the edge, mumbling the blocks he threw into the water.

“Pfft! _Stop_!! I’m not- Not coming anywhere!” Schlatt laughed, nervous, and hoping Will couldn’t see the embarrassed flush that covered his face.

“Come! Come! I’ll throw you stuff!” Will huffed, crouching by the edge again, watching Schlatt cross his arms and turn away.

“No! I’m not even lookin’ at you.” Schlatt instead made eye contact with the hollow dark eyes of a creeper.

“You are a fucking mess, Schlatt…” Wilbur turned away as well, going back to fixing up his island.

“Uh ohhh…” Schlatt whined as he felt his limbs lock up in fear.

“What. What… Wha’s wrong?” Wilbur sighed, coming back to the edge to see what the problem was. “Oh God, he’s comin’…” Wilbur giggled, not sensing Schlatt’s fear.

“Help me…Uh oh..! I’m stricken with fear, I can’t move my legs. My limbs, Wilbur, I’m stricken with fear! I need help..!” Schlatt whimpered, the only movement was his shaking hands, as he kept the staring contest with the creeper.

Wilbur just kept laughing, and making jokes. “He’s fast approaching! He’s fast approaching, he is approaching, his approach is imminent,” Schlatt rambled, making very sure not to say the word come at all. “I need help! I need help right now, man, this isn’t gonna be good. This isn’t gonna be good if he-if he approaches any qu-any faster, Wilbur, help me! Ohhh boy… Oh fu-Oh Jesus! He’s just bouncin’ up and down!” He got higher and higher pitched as he kept speaking, glancing between the island and the creeper as it scrambled and jumped to join Schlatt on the tree. He only got out a shriek and a panicked ‘NO!’ as it exploded.

“There were leaves behind me..! I d-I tried to back up! Am I gonna be okay…?” He mumbled to himself as he waited to respawn. Only to respawn at the bottom of the ocean, having no other choice but to swim up. He could feel the ache in his lungs as he held his breath, gasping when he found a small pocket of air. He could hear Wilbur talking, not expecting a response but still talking.

“God, I hate the rain, dude… Maybe this is what’s making the water rise so much,” He mused, and it made Schlatt feel a little better oddly enough. “You need to get up here, dude.”

“Oh, I’m here. I’m here. I came.” Schlatt sighed, gathering his stuff, even the stuff Wilbur tossed down. He couldn’t help but laugh as Wilbur joked about some stupid song. He hated how Wilbur could make him feel, it wasn’t right, he thought, that a man made him so happy.

“I’m still not able to get up there.” He shrugged, climbing onto the same tree he died on.

“Honestly, man, you’ve- I’m over it now. You don’t have to come.” Wilbur said, and Schlatt couldn’t see him creeping by the edge of the island. Hot and cold motherfucker, Will couldn’t make up his mind if his life depended on it.

After a brief argument over whether or not Wilbur would make Schlatt come, that ended in an insult, Schlatt decided to leave. To go back to the house.

“I don’t even see the house. Where is it? Where’s the house?” He paddled in place, staring into the dark water.

“It’s up here!” Wilbur chirped, smugly.

“No! The one I was in. The one I lived in before you left me.” To which Schlatt only got a couple dismissive ‘Dunno’s from Wilbur. Motherfucker changed his mind again, calling Schlatt back while Schlatt was searching for his house. He ended up being exploded again, but it was fine. It was whatever, he was close enough to his stuff and his house that he hardly had to worry about drowning at all.

But, fuck, as soon as he got in the house he realized how freezing he was. Soaking wet, in the dark, cold, house, with AC drooling cold air. “Fuck it’s freezing…” He hissed, arms wrapped tight around his body.

“You alright, Schlatt?” Will asked, concern just barely lacing his voice, Schlatt hardly heard him over his clattering teeth.

“I could use your body w-…Your-your warmth,” Schlatt whispered, mostly to himself but he knew Will could hear him. “Come down..Come down, come here, come here. Come! Come! Come!” He begged, pulling his flannel off again.

“Schlatt, I’m not coming down. I’m not coming! I’m happy here! Schlatt, I’m happy now! I’ve moved on. I’m-I’m at- I’m at dizzying heights of.. _Loove_!” Will cooed, grinning to nobody as he built his own house.

It was quiet for a long time until Schlatt started shouting again. “Fuck you! Wilbur, you motherfucker!!” Schlatt cried, kicking the furnace in fury. The iron embedded in his boot kept it from hurting.

“Me? What’d I-What’re you mad at now, Schlatt?” Will asked with a snicker, setting up his own furnaces, he had room for at least two!

“You sto- You took the goddamn coal! All of the fucking coal! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He growled, wringing the water from his shirt again. It was oddly cathartic, felt almost like he was strangling a certain meddlesome Brit.

“Aww, I did, huh? Well, you’ll just have to come up here and use my furnaces. What do you even want to cook?” Wilbur laughed again, drying his black jacket in front of the fire.

“Cooking nothing, you know I don’t fucking have food! I’m- I was going to dry my clothes, cause it’s fucking freezing down here!” Schlatt sat down in front of the furnace, defeated. He was burning wood for charcoal though he really didn’t want to. He had to warm up somehow, and he wasn’t going to destroy the AC, he didn’t have a shovel so he couldn’t get the snow back.

“It’s not freezing up here! You should come back up, it’s quite warm actually.” Schlatt just scoffed, running his hands over his tail as he squeezed the water from the appendage.

A few minutes later, and only when he was prodded by Will with a few ‘Huh’s, did Schlatt finally respond. “No! No! I’m fine, Wilbur! I don’t need you, you know why!” He laughed, placing his hands on his back as he pleasantly stretched himself.

He heard Will’s hesitant, nervous laughter at his statement. “No..Why?” He asked, already dreading the answer.

“Ahh…’Cause Wilbur! I used _your_ floor to start a fire in the furnace! Now I’m warming my bare ass on your side of the house, and you can’t do anything about it, because you moved out!” All went silent on Will’s end, and Schlatt’s end was full of smug, cackling laughter.

Because he knew, he knew that Wilbur would be disgusted and outraged that Schlatt was butt naked on what was his side of the house, using his furnace that he’d taken the coal out of for a reason.

“You’re disgusting, Schlatt,” Will grumbled, crafting a snow block with the extra snowballs that he’d taken. “Where should I put this..Ah, here, I’ll put the AC under the doors..” He mused as he did so. “I’ve got AC now, Schlatt!”

Schlatt laughed, pulling his now warm and dry clothes back on, peering into Will’s chest when he got the chance, disappointed to find it empty. “Well, uh, that’s great for you but I’m fine in here,” He shrugged to himself, opening his inventory, finding two more wheat seeds, creeping to the front door, and opened it carefully, pulling out the stone hoe from before and tilled two spots for the seeds. “Alright! Well, I’m okay!”

“I’m glad you’re okay, dude! But I feel like you’re missing out right now, honestly.” Wilbur chirped from his spot in the sky. Missing out on what exactly? Menial home décor?

“Nah, I wouldn’t.”

“You don’t think you’re missing out?”

“Nope! I’m livin’ it up, I’m livin’ it up!”

“Okay, well, I’m glad, dude! Well, I mean, at least you don’t have to deal with the issue of the rising water anymore.” Wilbur said through anxious laughter.

“Nope, I’ve- I’m completely fine in here. You should come back.” Schlatt sighed, glancing around the small house.

“That’s good- No, I’m-I’m very much- I’m,“ Wilbur tried, but he kept getting interrupted by Schlatt telling him to come back. “…There’s ulterior motives to this, isn’t there?”

“..No..?”

“This isn’t- No, this isn’t just a friendly ‘Oh, I want to spend time with Wilbur.’,” Wilbur hummed in disbelief, ignoring Schlatt trying to defend himself. “You want something from me.”

“I don’t want anything related to you.” Schlatt huffed, pulling the door between their sides shut again as if to prove a point to himself.

“Then why do you want me there so much.”

“I’m just-I’m just looking out for you, because I care about you,” Schlatt explained, quickly getting frustrated by the untrusting ‘mhm’ that he heard come from Wilbur, opening the door again. “Okay, in a strictly platonic way, Wilbur, I care about you, and I want you to thrive. And I feel like the best way you can thrive is inside-“

“Is under the sea!” Wilbur interjected trying not to laugh. Schlatt was glad for the interruption, he was digging himself a hole by admitting that he cared about Wilbur and wasn't sure how he'd get out. Joking about it helped, joking about it always helped, no matter how dire the situation. As long as he got to hear Wilbur's laugh he couldn't be too mad, or too afraid. Which was a big reason as to why he wanted Wilbur down here with him, it'd settle his fears. Going up would do the same, sure, but it'd also be admitting defeat, admitting that he was wrong, and he'd die before he'd admit he was wrong.

Schlatt paused, snorting out a laugh. “When you put it like that, I mean… Look, I just want you to-to.. Come to my house.”

“..If I couldn’t make you come, Schlatt. You’re not gonna make me come.” Will said finally, getting another frustrated huff from Schlatt and Wilbur could hear the creak of the door yet again.

“Oh, my fucking God.. Jesus Christ! Are you gay?!”

“Am I what?” Will asked quietly, and the rest of the evening was spent in silence. The only sounds they could hear were their own and uncensored grumbling and whining from the other when the water rose again. They get into yet another argument the next day, Schlatt insists Wilbur come back to the quickly degrading house, and Wilbur insists Schlatt comes up to the Bastion. It's settled with a compromise that Schlatt has no intentions of making good on, if Wilbur visits him he has to visit Wilbur. It's fair, but Schlatt doesn't want to do it, he just got dry he's not ready to get wet again so soon.

“I’m here, I’m here. Oh, what have you done?” Wilbur sighed, stepping into the house.

“Are you stepping on my crops?!” Schlatt barked, towering up out of his hole to meet Wilbur.

“What is this…What have you built?” Wilbur was crouching by Schlatt’s hole but quickly stumbled back when Schlatt came back.

“What are you doing on my side?” Schlatt scowled, shoving Wilbur back through the door.

“I was just checking out- Just seeing what was going on your side!” Wilbur explained hastily.

“Okay. Awesome. Now, stay on that side!”

“Well, I mean, I can!”

“No, fuck! That’s the side with the crops!”

“Schlatt listen!” Wilbur begged, opening the door and stepping onto Schlatt’s side again, only to watch him panic and dig up the dirt he was standing on so he could descend down that hole again.

“Shit! That’s the side with the crops…” He mumbled, pausing to glance up, Wilbur wasn’t looking so he continued going.

“Listen, Schlatt. You have to come up with me! I’ve come to see you, we have twenty minutes, you need to come and see me.” He insisted, backing out of the house, still watching for Schlatt.

Schlatt just muttered about making his escape, Wilbur sighed and rolled his eyes, pulling his axe out to start destroying Schlatt’s home. If he wouldn’t come on his own, Will would make him come, he smashed the skylight and chopped a hole on Schlatt’s side of the roof, taking a deep breath before swimming up.

“..Why’d it get really dark in here? Why’s it really dark? Wilbur? Where are you?” Schlatt asked, scraping out more dirt to come back up, only to be assaulted by water. “Fuck! I only have one crop left! Where are you-Wilbur! You prick! You destroyed my house, you destroyed everything I worked for! Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you! I hate you! Where are you, I’m gonna beat the shit outta you! Where are you!” He demanded staring up through the smashed glass.

“I’m up at the _Bastion, Schlatt_. Soon to be the one place that isn’t fucking swamped!”

“This is so unacceptable! This behavior is so unacceptable! You can’t deal with the fact that I don’t _like_ you,” He shouted, only to receive Wilbur’s mad giggling. As if he knew it was a lie. “And so you grief my house! You just don’t know boundaries! It’s like you on your side of the house, always trying to come over to mine! You just don’t know when to stop, and here you’ve crossed the line! You’ve gone too far this time, Wilbur Soot!”

“Come to the Bastion, Schlatt.”

“Ohh, baby, I’m not coming _nowhere_! I’m stayin’ right here in my house!”

“In your house-Your flooded house.”

“In my flooded house! I’m fine, I’ve got my door, nothing can stop me now!” He laughed, huddled in the doorway between both sides of the house, where the water only lapped at his boots.

Wilbur chuckled but quickly quieted. “Alright, tha’s it.” He said lowly, shrugging his jacket off and took the short leap back into the water, heading right for the house.

“What’re you gonna do,” Schlatt asked, glancing around, panic evident in his voice. “What was that? What was that noise?” He stared up through the hole in the ceiling before turning around at the sound of smashing glass, catching Will chopping up the entire front of the house.

“Stop! Stop! Stop! Fuck you! Oh, you’re toast! I’m comin’ for blood now!” Schlatt cackled, hitting Wilbur away, and started after him, pulling his axe out as they swam, and relished the fear in Will’s eyes when he turned back to look at Schlatt.

The reached the surface quickly, Schlatt kept slashing his axe at Wilbur, even as the man pleaded. Schlatt pushed into the house while Will circled around the back.

“Schlatt, listen! Listen! For the first time, we’re on common ground! Schlatt! Schlatt, my dude!” Wilbur begged, creeping up to the back door, opening it slowly only to have it slammed in his face by Schlatt.

“This is my house, Wilbur. _I_ live here,” Schlatt grinned, Wilbur could hear the smile in his voice even from outside. “Uh! Ohhh…” He muttered, the smug grin falling as he watched the wave crash over the house.

“Oh fuck! Oh Fuck! Let me fucking in!” Wilbur demanded in a panic, slipping in the back door again.

“No! Nope,” Schlatt started blocking up the side he was on, until quickly realizing his mistake as water flowed in through Will’s unfinished roof. “What the fuck?! No, fuck! Lemme in on that side, I want this side!” He shrieked, breaking through and quickly replacing the blocks once more.

“Schlatt! Schlatt, I’m sorry! I’m sorry we fought!” Will pleaded, shuffling close to Schlatt.

“Why have you done this to us! Why’d you fuck me like this? Stop fucking me! You always fuck me! You always fuck me, I never want this to happen again!” Schlatt whined, hands shaking at his sides.

“Let’s never fight again, please! I’m sorry!” Wilbur panted, wiping a hand over his face as he pressed himself into a corner.

“Why’re you breathing like that?” Schlatt frowned at Will.

“I’m worked up dude, I’m worked up! This is fucking scary and stressful, let me panic in peace dammit!”

“I hate you…” Schlatt pushed down a whimper as he slid down the wall, sitting flat on his ass, right on top of his tail even.

“You don’t- Don’t say that dude, you don’t mean it..” Will started rubbing his eyes, shaking his head at Schlatt’s words.

“I don’t mean it, I’m sorry… It’s just- I’m tired and this is stupid…” Schlatt’s own nerves led him to pull at his hair, running his hands through it, and gripping too tight.

“How’ve you been sleeping?”

“How do you think?”

“..I mean before this.”

“What? At home? Fine, why do you care?”

“I just do, like you said earlier: I care about you in a strictly platonic way, and I want you to thrive.”

Schlatt could only huff a laugh and roll his eyes, he didn’t really appreciate his words being thrown back at him, but something about Wilbur’s accent. And it’s always something about Wilbur, isn’t it? If it isn’t that half-crazed look he gets sometimes, it’s his accent, and if it isn’t that, it’s a thousand other things Schlatt can’t think of without scolding himself, without thinking of self flagellation, of the scars on his back from when his father found out just how friendly he was being with the neighbor’s son. Troubling thoughts, that really shouldn’t be troubling at all, but they scared him, God did they scare him. Because it was wrong as he’d always been told, to think intimately of other men, to admire another man the same way he’s supposed to admire a woman. It was wrong, he told himself, to look at Wilbur and see love, to be so captivated by his eyes, to want to listen to Wilbur speak on anything and everything forever because he could never get tired of Wilbur’s voice. Those thoughts scared him, so he lashed out, screamed and swore, and insisted he hated Wilbur. But Wilbur always came back, always extended an olive branch, no matter how many times Schlatt would refuse.

“What’re you thinking about?” Will asks quietly, sitting now too. And fuck, Schlatt doesn’t know what to say, Will must have seen the turmoil on his face.

At first, Schlatt just shakes his head, silently trying to figure out what to say. “..Nothing- It’s- Just… This, I guess.”

“Yeah, it’s…I think there's nowhere else safe, dude. I think we're almost at the end of it now. Is it- Can I sit by you?” Will asked carefully, sitting up, ready to shuffle over to Schlatt if given the go-ahead.

“Go for it.” Schlatt shrugged.

“It’s not gay..?” Will almost whispered, slowly sitting next to Schlatt.

“Well, it’s,” He trailed off, instead of thinking further on it he simply slipped his hand into Wilbur’s, giving it a squeeze. “Y’know, I don’t- There’s no one I’d rather be stranded with than you.”

Will glanced to Schlatt with a small, hesitant smile. “Yeah? Same, honestly. You’re my best friend, dude, love you.” He admitted quietly, and Schlatt tried not to think too hard on it. Wilbur meant platonic love, just friends, and that was enough. More than enough, really, Schlatt didn't deserve Wilbur, he knew that very well.

“C’mon. Let’s go outside and get this over with.” Schlatt said, tugging Wilbur to his feet, and pulled him outside, into the great blue that surrounded the house. They managed to surface for a few seconds, he caught Wilbur’s crazed gaze, returning the mad grin Will shot him. The rain came down harder than ever and Schlatt had to push his wet bangs from his eyes as he stared in awe at the giant wave rising above and behind Wilbur. And as he watched it crashed down upon them he found he wasn’t afraid of it anymore. He found he couldn’t be afraid of the wave when he had this beautiful, kind man in front of him. He wasn’t alone now, so it wasn’t so bad.

At least they’d have one hell of a story to tell when they got back.


	2. but i just wanna get you high tonight i just wanna see some pleasure in your eyes (The Writing's on the Wall - OK Go)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lava rising oh noooo  
> tw// recreational drug use, major character death: wilbur falls into lava and burns to death but it's not detailed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "D'you remember when we used to be friends? Remember when we smoked that dank Misfits kush down there, dude?" -Wilbur Soot  
> i feel like the pacing here's really fucky and weird, but i had fun writing this. felt like i had to add something to this tho, there's like 3 total ppl subbed to this and i feel bad leavin you guys hanging. i was gonna leave this as a oneshot and just make a series but here we are  
> not pictured: local manlet swaggersouls teaching jschlatt how to shotgun  
> i've never smoked anything but i think shotgunning smoke is hot, don't sue me.

Schlatt sat at the dinner table, trying not to look too bored as Tubbo rambled on about his day at school. He loved the kid more than anything but God, he had a long day today, and just did not have the…Capacity to listen to the boy stutter and stumble over every other word. He just sipped his coffee, tried not to look bored, and tried not to let his hands shake, until a flash in the corner of his eye caught his attention.

**WilburSoot whispers to you: Come to my Realm.**

Schlatt takes a breath and is about to reply before a Whisper pops up again.

**WilburSoot whispers to you: Come to my Realm.**

**WilburSoot whispers to you: Come to my Realm.**

**WilburSoot whispers to you: Come to my Realm.**

**WilburSoot whispers to you: Come to my Realm.**

**You whisper to WilburSoot: I’m in the middle of dinner wtf is the rush?**

He sent back, taking another sip of coffee as he awaited Wilbur’s response.

**WilburSoot whispers to you: Come to my Realm.**

He was possessed. By some mad, insistent devil.

**You whisper to WilburSoot: Oh my god fine dude gimme half an hr**

**You whisper to WilburSoot: Maybe 1hr**

**You whisper to WilburSoot: Ok 2hrs at the most have to get tubbs ready and head to Phil’s house**

**WilburSoot whispers to you: Fine. See you then.**

“Hey, bud. Something just came up, you wanna spend the weekend at Uncle Phil’s house?” Schlatt said suddenly, grinning at Tubbo, who quickly perked up.

“The whole weekend? Are you playing with Wilbur again?”

“Yeah, probably. C’mon, let's go get ready.” Schlatt sighed, finishing his coffee, and took both the mug and Tubbo’s plate to the sink, shuffling the kid off to his bedroom to go pack for spending a couple of nights at Phil’s place. He had no idea how long he'd have to spend at Wilbur's Realm but whatever, couldn't hurt to send Tubbo to Phil's until Monday.

Schlatt went to his own bedroom as well, digging through chests and drawers for what he needed. He snagged a little wax-sealed package from his bedside, frowned at the durability of his flint and steel, repaired it, ripped a few pages from a mostly empty journal, and stuffed all of it into his inventory. Wilbur usually insisted he keep his inventory clear for the challenges but knowing Wilbur they’d both need the ‘kelp’.

He changed out of his work clothes, double-checked Tubbo’s pack, making sure he didn’t bring anything that was inappropriate, and they headed out. First to Phil’s where Schlatt had to spend half an hour making nice and drinking tea. Then to Wilbur’s Realm.

He stumbles as he spawns in, on top of a tree, listening to Wilbur ramble on to himself, something about lava rising which Schlatt was instantly not looking forward to. “WILBUR! WILBUR SOOT,” He boomed, laughing as he startled the other who hadn’t heard him come on. “You interrupted my dinner and for what?! Why have you interrupted my night?”

“It’s not even a bit, that just scared the fuck out of me,” Wilbur gasped, still holding his hands to his ears, pulling at the earpiece he’d stuck in before coming here. “The fuck is wrong with you, seriously?”

“The fuck is wrong with _you_? Spamming my Whispers like ten times, what could be so important? Don’t tell me it’s another dumb challenge..” He trailed off into laughter as he realized they said the same thing at the same time.

“It’s another challenge..Yes! How’d you guess it?” Wilbur laughed as well, stumbling a little on the swaying treetop.

“So, let me get this straight. The water level is rising, but except it’s not water it’s deadly, deadly, hot, deadly.. Lava?” Schlatt said distractedly, looking around their surroundings, it didn’t seem to be tailored to the predicament like last time.

“Yes. The exact opposite of water, I would go as far as to say. What _is_ the opposite of water, actually, Schlatt? And why are we on top of a tree?” Will questions making his way down.

“I don’t know the answer to either of those questions! But I do know I brought along some ‘dried kelp’, in case worse comes to worst and you’re shitting yourself in panic.” Schlatt bragged, waving the little paper packet to Wilbur as he passed by to start gathering wood. He realized it should be startling how okay with this he was, how easily he dropped everything to spend time with Wilbur. But it wasn’t, it felt normal.

“We joke now but that will save us in the long run.” Wilbur laughed, rolling his eyes.

“Oh yeah, oh it definitely will.” Schlatt agreed, tucking the packet away again as he started to get to work.

“So, the way I was planning on doing this, Schlatt, is the next two hours we get to do whatever we want. Nothing will happen, nothing is rising, nothing important, at all right? But, once that grace period is up- There’s many many monsters around here..” Wilbur went on the ramble on about the monsters and continued explaining everything. They had a two hour grace period and then the lava would start to rise every fifteen minutes, blah blah blah. He had a friend, JoshA20, help out this time since he still couldn’t figure out command blocks, blah blah blah blah. Schlatt didn’t have time for chatter, he had to figure out a way to come out on top.

They bantered and laughed as they worked, regardless. Wilbur shooing Schlatt to go find iron right after threatening his life with a stone sword. Wilbur claimed to be looking for iron too but seemed to only find fucking granite and pork, neither of which Schlatt wanted but he’d snag the pork from the furnace so he could shove the five bits of iron that he did find inside instead. And Wilbur started going on about finding diamonds when he didn’t even have any iron to mine it with.

Furthermore, he wanted what, one, two diamonds? Schlatt didn’t like the sound of that. Making a hoe or shovel would be a waste of diamonds. Will mentioned wanting a diamond pick for obsidian but that would require three diamonds and cobblestone was far easier to get and it wouldn’t burn from the lava either. Schlatt could only think that Will wanted to make a sword, and that made him nervous. He already threatened his life once so far. He had to make it out alive this time. He couldn’t let Wilbur kill him, or worse yet best him in some way.

He stood over the hole in the ground Wilbur called a mine and huffed a sigh and rolled his eyes before leaving to go gather some wheat seeds just in case. “You worry so much, you are such a worrier. Such a worrier.”

“Should we- Should we relax then? And start like-..?” He trailed off, pausing where he was collecting coal.

“I think we should.” Schlatt nodded to himself, shaking some seeds out of a plant.

“What do we do to relax? I’m gonna stop digging then,” Wilbur put his pick away and started his way back up and out of the hole. “What’re we gonna do to relax?”

“Lemme uh-Lemme light up some ‘dried kelp’.” Schlatt chuckled, continuing to bully plants for their seeds.

“Dude..Light up that ‘dried kelp’, man. I can’t wait, can’t wait. I’ll make us a little area.” Will hurried to the workbench, shoving aside the sweatshirt Schlatt abandoned there pretty early on to start putting together a couple of flimsy chairs, that were more of just planks with a divot carved in them, enough for them to plant their asses in at least.

Schlatt mumbled an agreeable ‘okay’. He paused while he was making his way over to Wilbur when Wilbur started asking him to ‘come’, which sent them spiraling into a short argument over that. But eventually, he arrived and sat down in the offered chair, a splinter dug into his left cheek, but it could be worse.

“Wilbur, come on. Move closer, you’re like ten fuckin’ blocks away. This is stupid anyway; we should just sit on the ground,” Schlatt huffed a laugh, watching Will also struggle to sit properly in the stupid wooden chair. “C’mere, I’m not sitting in your shitty chair, it hurts my ass.” Schlatt declared, promptly sitting himself in the grass, and pulled Wilbur down with him, practically tugging the man into his lap.

Wilbur went quiet for a moment, staring way too hard at the way Schlatt licked the paper as he rolled the joint, quickly looking away when Schlatt noticed and shot him a wink. “Schlatt, I’m just… I’m scared, man! I’ve never done this before!”

Fucker had to worry about this too, even. “Oh my God, do you ever stop worrying? Calm down, it’s just a joint. You’ve had cigarettes before, right? It’s like that.” Schlatt explained through a mouthful of smoke, snorting, and almost gagging when he forced down a cough, so he looked a little more experienced than he was. It’s not like he was _actually_ part of the Misfits, they just gave him some money to smoke with them a couple times, and he kept a small stash at home for when he got too anxious or his hands got too shaky. He knows more than Wilbur at least and he has _every_ intention to hold that over Wilbur’s head.

Wilbur frowned a little as he accepted the joint, attempting to hold it between his middle and index finger, and started coughing as soon as he inhaled.

“No! No! You’re doing it all wrong, give it back.” Schlatt demanded, snatching it back suddenly.

“Come on, dude. I wanna smoke too, and-“ And, Schlatt tuned Wilbur out, or Wilbur stopped talking because Schlatt took a hit and leaned in close, grabbing Will’s jaw and squeezed harshly before swiftly exhaling into his mouth until Will sputtered and shoved Schlatt away.

“WHAT THE FUCK, SCHLATT?! WHAT WAS THAT!” Will snarled, eyes wide as he wiped his lips. Schlatt’s lips hardly brushed his, he was _so_ overreacting.

“Shotgunning. One of the Misfits taught me,” Schlatt answered, giving Will a sly grin as he exhaled smoke into the warm evening air. SwaggerSouls is quite…Well, they don’t call him Swagger for nothing. “Only way to get you high if you’re gonna fumble my shit. Could’a dropped it and set this whole forest ablaze.”

“As if that’s even a worry, everything’s gonna be swallowed by lava soon enough.” Will shrugged, and Schlatt just grinned.

“Shut the fuck up, and c’mere.” He chuckled, leaning in again, taking a hit again, and breathed the smoke into Wilbur again. He didn’t push Schlatt away this time, letting him do it without struggle or wiping his lips after. If Wilbur told Josh to extend the grace period a little, and the next couple of hours were spent doing a little more than just getting high, they didn’t have to mention it. They could just call retcon and pretend it never happened. If Josh didn’t question it, if he didn't see anything, then nothing happened at all.

Eventually, the spliff’s no more than a roach that burns Schlatt’s fingers, and they part ways, Wilbur rambling on about gathering materials. And Schlatt just needed one more piece of iron, one more. In his search, he scooped up a bucket of water before the water would be gone too. Eventually, the sun came up and, their grace period ran out and the lava started rising and fuck was it hot. His high made it mostly bearable at least, he felt hot and fuzzy and not in the worst way either. Hot and high enough that he whipped his sweat soaked t-shirt off and chucked it into the bubbling, spitting lava without a second thought, and laughed as it went up in flames.

He kept searching though even as the lava rose, he needed one more piece of iron. And after brute-forcing it, digging straight down, and mining around until he finally fucking found it. He did, finally fucking find it. And climbing up Wilbur’s stupid tower he smelted it and made another bucket, slipping down the ladders one last time to scoop up some lava and headed back up. Wilbur was lost, hazy, dazy, and lost, he had no idea what Schlatt had up his sleeve, Schlatt just shrugged it off as needing more wealth, as pure greed.

It was, in a way. He wanted to come out on top this time. He was _going_ to come out on top. He could play this perfectly, he knew it. This was J. Schlatt, aspiring businessman and politician, he knew sleaze and scam like the back of his hand. He grinned as he cornered Wilbur, watching the lava flow down, nearly missing him each time, the other man took brief refuge in a forest, fighting mobs and digging up dirt. He insisted Schlatt needed him, that Schlatt made a mistake, that Schlatt fucked him. Schlatt just snarled and said that this was _his_ game, that Wilbur fucked himself, that Wilbur was the one who screwed him over. That Wilbur wanted 50% of ‘the company’, bullshit, nonsense, but it was fun.

Schlatt just laughed, splashing water on the line of lava he dropped earlier, grinning as the lava cast formed.

“You’re set for life, dude.” He heard from Wilbur, who must have seen his cast.

“I am!” He agreed, going up again.

“You’ve got- You’ve got cobble for days, I’m running out of materials, honestly..” Wilbur laughed nervously as he towered up.

“They call me-They call me Mr. Cobblestone!” Schlatt grinned at what he had created, it was all coming together.

“Do they?” Will asked with a tired sigh.

“Yep, that’s what they call me.” Who’s they? He never knew. The omnipresent, omniscient ‘they’ called him everything. Double Time, Two Piece, Smokestack, Big Guy, Steel Toe, Button Man, PVP God, Build Man, Dropper Dude, Parkour Prince, Shakey Jones, JMoney, The Swordman, Warrior, everything. Anything that sounded good, that boosted his ego. Except for Shakey Jones that was just upsetting.

“Who taught you this technique?” Will questioned, eyeing Schlatt and his cobblestone structure warily.

“Nobody, I learned this all by myself. Nobody taught me,” Schlatt caught Will’s eye from across the way and grinned at the obvious way Will was looking him over. “Look at you- Look at you making your own lousy little abode. You’re gonna run out of materials! You’re gonna run all out.”

“Yeah, I know I am. You know-You know what, Schlatt? I am gonna run out of materials, you-you profited way better than me, you came up with a better idea-“

“I did!”

“This is survival of the fittest, but you know what? You know what, I’m gonna go with the hippie mentality.”

“The hippie mentality? What’s that meant to-?”

“I may not- I may not have the wealth, I may not have the land. But you know what? I have enough to make myself comfortable. That’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna have the comfiest little end of the world base you will have ever laid your eyes on.”

“You say this as the lava level rises. It’s gonna get really hot over there.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep. An’ I am cool as a cuc’, I’m over here as cool as a cuc’.”

“I’m sure you are dude, I’m sure you are. But you know what, I’m-I’m fine where I am too.” Wilbur said, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself rather than convince Schlatt.

“Are you? ..That’s good.” Schlatt mumbled to himself, as Will rambled on.

“I’m-I’m nice and comfy, I’ve got my little table and chair setup. Watch this, ready, are you watching me? Are you watching me, Schlatt?” His voice got a little croaky as he got quieter, and for half a second the thought of, ‘God he sounds hot.’ Popped into Schlatt’s head before he forced it out again.

“Sure!” Schlatt nodded, picking up his lava to pour the water on top again, and watched as Will struggled to place down the table and chairs down correctly, having to move them.

“You ever seen this technique? I learnt this from the masters themselves. Alright? Are you lookin’? You lookin’, right?”

“Yeah! I’m lookin’,” Schlatt confirmed, before looking to his water again and scooped it back up, ignoring as Wilbur started to talk about his ‘technique’. “I lost interest.”

“Look at me.” Will demanded, as ever lackadaisical Schlatt hopped down to collect cobblestone from the lava cast and mumbled out little dismissive ‘no’s. “Look at me. Jonathan Schlatt, turn and look at me.”

The use of his full name got his attention and Schlatt glanced up to Will for a second before dropping his gaze again, and Will could faintly hear the quiet half-amused huff from Schlatt. Wilbur quickly changed his mind and starting building walls around to keep Schlatt from looking not that he even wanted to. Schlatt made his own in retaliation just so Wilbur couldn’t see what he was up to either.

The bickering continued between them and all of a sudden Wilbur was begging Schlatt to look at him again. “’if u read this u r loser’.. Okay.” He scoffed, retreating again, going back to his cobblestone generator, ignoring Wilbur as he continued to mock Schlatt in a very poor American accent. Even complaining about how Schlatt pronounced his name.

“Look at you, you’ve gone for the hippie lifestyle, you think you-you think you understand what’s going oonn, Wilburrr. Wilburrr.”

“See, what you’re- What you’ve done is you’ve-you’ve uh-“

“It’s pronounced wilbah, will buh.” Wilbur enunciated, even entering in the text chat:

**< WilburSoot> wilBAH**

**< WilburSoot> wilburrrr**

“That’s not how it’s pronounced, there’s an r in there,” Schlatt muttered, rolling his eyes. “You people just pronounce things- You ju- You people just pronounce things weirdly. See, here’s what’s happened, here’s what’s happened, Wilburr.”

Wilbur just hummed, disgruntled, in response.

“You have uh- You’ve tried to.. You’ve tried to uh- to-to replicate my accent but you can’t,” He explained, as Wilbur started giggling like a fool. “Because it’s the accent of an alpha, as is the pitch of my voice. And yours? I’ll just say it’s the exact opposite.”

Will laughed and swiftly changed the subject, talking about the landscape rather than whatever Schlatt was going for.

Eventually, Schlatt had gathered a good amount of cobblestone when Wilbur started coming over. He didn’t have enough wood to bridge over properly, so he hurled himself only managing to catch the edge of a stone, the water Schlatt had spilled cushioning his fall. Now he was stuck near the bottom of the cast, trying to come to terms with his fate, Will knew he wouldn’t survive this. He went into this thinking neither of them would.

“Schlatt, I’m gonna be real with you here, chief,” Will sighed, crouching, and staring up at Schlatt, who was spreading lava again. “You’re- I feel like when I’m gone, what’re you gonna do? Like, what is there left?”

“I’m gonna- I’m gonna just chill here with my lava and my water bucket.” Schlatt answered smugly, picking up the lava and poured out more water.

“But then when I’m dead, you’ll have no one! You’ll just have those two skeletons- Oh, one skeleton. Living on the dirt um-.. Jut.” Wilbur said, eyeing the skeletons standing idly on the dirt, skeletons, plural, that quickly become skeleton, singular, as one despawned.

“I’ll have everything I need.” Schlatt insisted, continuing on his way.

“Even they’ll be gone soon, dude. Are you just slowly making your way to me?” Will asked, finally noticing what Schlatt was doing exactly, pouring lava, pouring water, and hopping down before repeating.

Schlatt just laughed, grinning as he tipped lava from the bucket. It hurt his hands, holding the burning metal, but the rain at least made it feel a little better. Because it was raining again, just like last time, thunder, and lightning everywhere, but the rain didn’t touch the lava at all, it hissed and spat but that was all.

“I’ll have everything I need, Wilbur, and you’ll have nothing. You’re the guy who’s gonna have nothing. How much wood do you- Oh, okay, that’s kind of concerning,” He frowned, watching Will tower up. “How do you have that much wood…?” He trailed off watching Wilbur place a sign at the top of his tower and quickly scribble on it before shifting to crouch behind the sign.

Schlatt squinted to read it, ‘u smell’. “That’s just- That’s just rude. You’re just being rude to me.” He huffed, watching Wilbur take a flying leap at him.

“Be very-“ Schlatt started, grabbing at Wilbur as he stumbled onto the cobblestone, but quickly lost his footing and tumbled backwards into lava Schlatt had spilled just a moment earlier.

**WilburSoot tried to swim in lava**

“I got the last laugh! Even though I may smell. See, this is what- This is what a winner looks like,” He sighed as he scrambled to the very top, trying to convince himself he did well. That it didn’t hurt to watch his best friend fall into the lava and burn to a crisp in moments. “You see this, Wilbur? You see this. They call me The Winner, that’s what they call me, that’s what they’ve always called me.” He rambled, knowing Wilbur could still hear him even as he struggled to respawn.

It worked for a moment, Wilbur saw himself above everything, above the world coated in lava before plummeting again. He managed to get into spectator mode before it happened again, so he could observe Schlatt and talk to him as the lava continued to rise.

“The lava’s rising quite quickly, Schlatt. Have you seen how quickly it’s coming, Schlatt?” He whispered, hovering over Schlatt’s shoulder as Schlatt spun around, watching as Josh kept putting in the command.

“Oh! …I have, in fact, y’know..? Good thing I came prepared.” Schlatt started towering up, building a small stone box.

“I think you need to start building quickly.”

“Oh, no, I’m fine, I’m okay Wilbur. See, I’m a man with a plan. That’s what they call _me_.” He said smugly, continuing to box himself in, breaking the front for a moment to spill out his water. Only to realize that he’d drown and scooped up what he could, it still spilled into his boots though.

**< WilburSoot> 2 blocks per minute.**

**< JoshA20> k**

“Schlatt.” Wilbur said, scooting closer to Schlatt, staring right at him though the man had no idea.

“Yeah?”

“If you- If you let me live in this tower, I’ll slow down the lava rising.”

“I don’t care! I don’t want you to live with me! You’re gonna ask- What, you’re gonna want fifty percent of my tower! Fifty percent?!” Schlatt shouted, dunking his hands into his water bucket, cooling them down.

“I want life, dude,” Wilbur begged, drifting away again to watch the lava rise from a distance. “I wanna be alive, dude.”

“I know you do. But you threw it all away, Wilbur. You threw it all away,” Schlatt shrugged, as he worked on crafting his last-ditch effort. Ladders. “You know what they call me, Wilbur? You know what they call me?” He asked with a grin, opening the front of the box and pushed the crafting table into the lava.

“What do they call you,” Wilbur whispered, sounding dejected as he drifted close again. “What do they call you, Schlatt?”

“They call me Ladderman.”

“Do it.”

“That’s what they call me. Yeah! Raise it up as much as you want! Raise it up as much as you want. I don’t care,” He dared, placing ladders down behind him, and splashed his water in front of him. “Raise it! Raise it! I’m in the God spot, bitch! I’m in the God spot. This is the spot of a man who owns more than fifty percent of his company! And who didn’t get it stolen away!”

**< WilburSoot> josh**

**< JoshA20> hi**

**< WilburSoot> raise to 130**

“Do it, do it.” Schlatt watched them chat and started laughing as the lava rose further.

**< WilburSoot> 135.**

“I’m giving you once more chance, Schlatt. One more chance.”

“I don’t need it. I don’t need another chance. I am so confident in my ability. _So_ confident in my ability!”

**< WilburSoot> 136.**

“Wilbur, you don’t understand why they call me-“

“I’ll press the- I’ll-I’ll tell ‘im! I’ll make ‘im do it!” Wilbur was ready to tell Josh to raise it to 137.

“Wilbur, you don’t understand why they call me Ladderman.”

**< WilburSoot> 137.**

The lava rose to Schlatt’s feet but didn’t rush in. He started laughing again, loud and maniacal.

**< WilburSoot> 138.**

“Wait what?!” Wilbur gasped, coming close to look at Schlatt as Schlatt cackled, grinning to himself.

“RAISE IT ONE MORE BITCH! RAISE IT ONE MORE! PUT IT TO ONE THIRTY EIGHT! Put it to one thirty eight!”

**< JoshA20> LOL YOU GOT FUCKIN DUKES SOOT**

**< WilburSoot> 139.**

**< WilburSoot> 140**

**< WilburSoot> 150**

**< WilburSoot> 200**

“What?! Ho-Ohh, I get it.” Will sighed, understanding finally.

“This is the face of a winner, Wilbur. This is the face of Ladderman.” Schlatt grinned, leaning back heavily on the ladders, the rungs digging into the bare skin of his back but he couldn’t care less. He just pulled another joint he had rolled while working on his cobblestone generator and lit it up, fully intending to spend the rest of his time here getting high.

“I understand why they call you Ladderman.” Wilbur sighed, shaking his head at Schlatt.

“Yep, that’s why they call me Ladderman, that’s why they call me Ladderman.” Schlatt laughed, puffing away happily.

“Um, look up, if you can! Just- Destroy the block above your head quickly, and place it back.” Will stared up at the sky, lava slowly sinking down to coat everything.

**< JoshA20> bro look up**

“What’s-What’s goin’ up here,” Schlatt actually sounded nervous, resting the joint between his lips as he pulled out a pick and quickly mined away the cobblestone above his head, craning his neck back to stare up. “Uh ohh..! Uhhm…”

“I think you’re fine though; I think you’re okay, dude.” Wilbur snickered, bewildered as he hovered in front of Schlatt.

“I’m- I don’t even need- I don’t even need it. I don’t even need the help,” He spun around mining the block above the ladders. “I am _so_ confident in my ability to survive.”

“Dude, I congratulate you, man.” Will shook his head, staring up at the lava before looking to Schlatt again.

“You didn’t believe in me. You didn’t believe in me and here I am, winning.” Schlatt sat down, pulling his legs to his chest as he smoked.

“I _didn’t_ believe in you, and… You’ve done it, dude. You win this challenge. I didn’t think there could be winners. But for sure, you’ve won this one!” Wilbur laughed, shaking his head again. He really thought they’d both die.

“I’ve won it! I’ve won it!” Schlatt grinned, smug, and proud. He knew he’d win. He knew he’d come out on top.

“Congratulations man, I hope you’re happy with yourself. I hope you’re happy that you’ve _fucked_ over everyone in order to win.” Wilbur meant it to insult Schlatt, but it didn’t seem to work, he seemed to take it in his stride.

Schlatt laughed and nodded, calmly exhaling smoke. “That’s what I do! This is how I win,” He sighed, watching the lava practically entomb him in the box, snorting at Wilbur's rambling about cheating. “Cheating.. is the only way forward.”

**WilburSoot left the game.**

Schlatt was soon kicked from the Realm by Josh. Ah well, he couldn't wait to get home to Phil's, where Wilbur retreated to no doubt, to see what prize Wilbur would cough up. Since Schlatt won, and winners get rewarded.


	3. epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short epilogue. or schlatt's one horny mother fucker and wilbur does what to make of it.  
> ( nothing sexual at all happens, wilbur just ends up paying schlatt instead. )

Wilbur got home first, of course. Around six in the afternoon on a Saturday, he had expected to be gone until Monday. He knew the lava thing wouldn’t take the whole weekend, but he had planned another expedition, some TNT stunt that’d have to be rescheduled for another weekend, he was too worn to consider doing it this weekend.

He just made his way back home and fell face first into the couch when he got there. He felt singed still, the bottoms of his sneakers felt like they were melted out and he swore he could smell the smoke on his clothes. In any case, it seemed like no one was inside right now, the house was dark and quiet when he stepped inside, but he smelled the coffee brewing, so Phil was home, and that meant the kids were too. He tucks his communicator into his inventory when he hears the back door swing open and a herd of little pattering feet running across the wood of the kitchen.

Fundy squealed and chirped when he spotted his dad, and Wilbur blindly reached out to pet his son, fondly ruffling the fluff on the kit’s head before the boy ran off again. Will felt the couch dip by his feet and then he felt one of the cats stumble along his legs to sit on his ass. Then he felt the couch dip by his head and looking up revealed the person to be Phil.

“How’d it go, mate?” Phil asked gently, combing his fingers through Will’s hair, undeterred by the greasy sweat that still clung to Will.

“Ugh..Stupid, Schlatt pushed me into the lava and then he won.” Wilbur groaned, wiggling a little to set his head in his father’s lap.

“He did? How the hell did he manage that?” Phil laughed, beaming down at Will who had rolled onto his back, shaking the cat off.

“He cheated..” Will sighed, bitterly scowling up at Phil. After a few minutes more of sitting and sulking Will decided to take a well-deserved shower. Eventually, coming back downstairs to find the kids sitting around the jukebox, Tommy trying rap over the Pigstep disc.

“Big Guy’s back!” Schlatt announced as he stepped into the home, smug grin still on his face. He would never let Wilbur live this down, would he? He had changed and judging by the wet of his hair he showered as well.

The kids all swarmed Schlatt before he had a chance to take another step, Tubbo and Tommy asking where he and Wilbur had gone, asking for the story. So, he quickly tore his boots off and sat on the couch beside Wilbur so they could tell the story together.

Phil came by with coffee for them and listened in on the story as well, curious about how Schlatt had managed to win the challenge that Wilbur had informed him would be near impossible to complete without dying from the lava. For the kids’ sake they completely skipped the part where they got high, even Phil didn’t need to know. And when Schlatt started bugging for a prize, Wilbur got him to settle for a kiss on the cheek, leading everyone to giggle and coo at them.

Soon enough Phil led the boys back outside, leaving Schlatt alone with Wilbur, which was the last thing Will wanted right now, he just _knew_ Schlatt wouldn’t be satisfied with a kiss on the cheek. It’s not like he should expect more from Wilbur, though, it’s not like they actually kissed last night. That never happened, remember?

“Soo,” Schlatt started, hefting himself onto the countertop, watching as Wilbur refilled his cup of coffee, refilling Schlatt’s as well when he held it out. “I think I deserve a little more than a lousy old kiss on the cheek, hm?” He said with that smug grin he was perfect at pulling.

“I don’t think so, you hardly deserved _that_. You cheated, Schlatt.” Wilbur huffed, stirring milk and sugar into his tea.

“Semantics, semantics…I won no matter what you want to call my technique. I deserve _something_ in return.” Schlatt shrugged, sipping his coffee.

“Fine. What do you want?” Wilbur asked, setting the spoon in the sink as he sipped his own drink.

Schlatt hummed and scratched at the hair on the sides of his face, feigning deep thought. “Hmm, I want you to suck my dick.” He answered deadpan, setting his cup aside on the countertop.

Will sputtered at that, choking, and coughing on his tea in surprise. “…Wha- What?!” He asked still coughing up tea, luckily managing to spit most of it into the sink.

“I want a blowjob. It’s fair, I deserve it after what you put me through. Besides, you got a pretty mouth, boy.” Schlatt’s tone was flat for most of that but by the time he finished speaking, he burst into laughter. Wilbur still could not tell whether or not Schlatt was serious.

He forced a laugh, wiping what tea he did spit onto the counter, before carefully taking another drink. “Good one, how much money do you want?”

“I’m serious, Wilbur.” To emphasize his point, he shifted a little, spreading his legs, and slapped his hands down onto his thighs. As if…As if he wanted Wilbur to do it here, in the kitchen, where Phil and the kids could walk in at any moment. Not that Wilbur was going to do it anyway!

“Haha, funny.. Funny bit. Okay, bit’s over, dude. How much money do you want?” Will chuckled nervously again. No, he wasn’t serious, he couldn’t be. Schlatt was straight, he was very adamant about that, no matter what happened between them, he doesn't even like when Will jokes about gay shit.

“Thousand bucks or a blowjob.” He wasn’t laughing or smiling at all now, he was dead serious. How was he dead serious?

“No, no. I’m not- No! I’m not doing either of those things! I’ll give you a hundred, take it or leave it.” Wilbur couldn’t help but sound beyond exasperated.

Schlatt huffed and rolled his eyes, hopping down from the counter, grabbing his coffee cup as he went. “..Deal.” He sighed, facing Wilbur, and held out his hand for a handshake to seal the deal.

“Alright. I’ll get it to you Monday, then.” Will nodded, accepting the firm handshake.

“C’mon, let’s go outside, see how Phil and the kids fared while we were out.” Schlatt grinned, nodding to the back door, letting Will follow him outside.

A hundred bucks. Wasn’t exactly what he wanted. But, hey, it’s better than nothing at least.


End file.
